well Friday, i had a party at my dance studio and it was bomb! i god Edwin Jack Skeleton cologne and he loved it. he got me a gift card to the mall so now i can buy a special someone that present. he just dosent know that i know he wants it. ahh.. the glory of having friends :) i just hope he likes it. i just need about 20 more dollars.. its freaking 40 dollars! i dont want to get into detail. … and i still felt empty inside.
Saturday i went to edwins house at 8am… -____- i went to the candy store in LA with Lorena, Kimmi, Raquel, Jose, and Carlos. it was the most amazing candy store ever! i loved it. and laughing at the pinatas having sex. haha it was histarical. afterwards i went back to edwins house and picked him up and we went to rehersal for our performance at the mall the next day. afterwards lorena picked up me and edwin and we all went to the mall. after we went to edwins house and got ready to go to Lorena’s company party!!:)) we all looked amazing and we had the best time. and partied hard XD Kimmy and Jose got me the same necklace but i love it <3 and kimmy also gave me a hello kitty shirt from hot topic. and lorena gave me a hello kitty bag<3 i love that family. haha.<3 i got home around 12 am. got ready for my performance and went to sleep. … i still felt empty inside.
today, sunday.. my mom left to vegas… so my dad took me to my performance to the mall -_- it went good though:) now im just home. …..i still feel empty inside.
im so glad no one reads this or else people would be like WOWW
i still felt the same as i did last night but i tried my best to brush it off at the studio today. it was only Edwin, Jeffrey and I taking class today. it was excruciating but felt good. i forgot all about my crappy feelings. i still felt empty throughout my day. either way.. im still trying my best to progress as a dancer and a real person.
Today i just felt so empty inside. i mean i do a lot. a day without you texting me. i feel like.. freak you dont really care. i mean, i know you do, i guess its just a feeling. i feel like i mean so much less to you than i did before its devastating me into this excruciating depression. i feel like my vains are popping out over this devastation its killing me inside. you have idea how i always feel. i freaking love you and its driving me insane, i feel like i am not pretty enough, like i am not good enough for you. i try my damn hardest every freaking mother fucking day to be good enough but the truth of the matter is.. I’m not. I’m just not. I will never be. I just don’t deserve you I’m sorry.. just at least understand how i feel when I’m not talking to you. even a day without talking to you. i just feel neglected and hated by you sometimes. thats why.. i seem so mad at you when we do see eachother. i just want things to be back the way they were.
Today was one of those days. I mean the good ones. I know he doesn’t agree with me, but today, i just felt re-connected. We kept each other warm for almost 45 minutes waiting for the bus, if only it were raining. I don’t know i just feel this good vibe being around him. Somtimes i feel like he has his second thoughts about me.. who am i kidding i always think that haha. I definatly know how I feel.
My only wish for right now, is just to be more connected to him and for him to remind me how he feels about me. Its complicated. Haha
Kissed someone. Smoked a cigarette. Got so drunk you passed out. Rode every ride at an amusement park. Collected something really stupid. Gone to a rock concert. Helped someone. Gone fishing. Watched four movies in one night. Gone long periods of time with out sleep. Lied to someone. Snorted cocaine. Failed a class. Smoked weed. Dealt drugs. Been in a car accident. Been in a tornado. Done hard drugs (i.e. ecstasy, heroin, crack, meth, acid). Watched someone die. Been to a funeral. Burned yourself. Ran a marathon. Cried yourself to sleep. Spent over $200 in one day. Flown on a plane. Cheated on someone. Been cheated on. Written a ten page letter. Gone skiing. Been sailing. Cut yourself. Had a best friend. Lost someone you loved. Shoplifted something. Been to jail. Dangerously close to being in jail.
Had detention. Skipped school. Got in trouble for something you didn’t do. Stolen books from the library. Gone to a different country. Dropped out of school. Been in a mental hospital. Watched the “Harry Potter” movies. Had an online diary. Fired a gun. Gambled in a casino. Had a yard sale. Had a lemonade stand. Actually made money at the lemonade stand. Been in a school play. Been fired from a job. Taken a lie detector test. Swam with dolphins. Gone to sea world. Voted for someone on a reality TV show. Written poetry. Read more than 20 books a year. Gone to Europe. Loved someone you shouldn’t have. Used a coloring book over age 12. Had surgery. Had stitches. Taken a taxi. Seen the Washington Monument. Had more than 5 IM’s/online conversations going at once. Overdosed. Had a drug or alcohol problem. Been in a fist fight. Suffered any form of abuse. Had a hamster. Petted a wild animal. Gone surfing in California. Did “spirit day” at school. Dyed your hair. Got a tattoo. Had something pierced. Got straight A’s. Been on the Honor Roll. Known someone with HIV or AIDS. Taken pictures with a webcam. Started a fire. Gotten caught having a party while parents were gone away.
If you’re looking for more of the videos of last night, Brendon Fest 11 as Ian called it, I’m uploading them as fast as I can. I have size limits of all kinds on here so I’m trying to work around that. But I will deliver. So stick around and I’ll post em.
But if you have any questions for me, let me know. :D I don’t bite unless you’re a bitch to me.